Edward vs Edward
by alittlebitwarped
Summary: Has Edward finally, met his match? Who would have thought a little puppy could bring Edward to the brink of insanity? Disclaimer: I dont own Twilight...or Bella...I just gave her a puppy! Your welcome Bella!
1. What's that smell?

"Please can we keep him?" I said as I looked up at Edward through my eyelashes, holding the cutest little puppy I had ever seen.

Edward sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, "I don't know Bella, puppies are a lot of work."

"God Edward, what am I, five? I have taken care of Charlie and Rene my entire life, I think I can look after a puppy."

Edward looked defeated as he pinched the bridge of his nose. I bit my lip in anticipation of his decision.

"Bella, I just don't think keeping a puppy in house filled with vampires is the most prudent choice. I mean, think about Jasper, I don't want to test his limits anymore than they already are."

As if on cue, Jasper sauntered down the stairs.

"Don't worry about it man," he said to Edward "that little guy isn't even a snack, it wouldn't be worth my time."

"Thank you, Jasper," Edward said through clenched teeth, as Jasper made his way over to the couch.

"See, Edward, Jasper is fine with it…Please Please Please can we keep him!"

Edward sighed, and nodded his head in defeat. I squealed and jumped in his arms, careful not to squish the puppy.

"Dude, you are so whipped," Jasper laughed from the couch.

I walked over to where Jasper was sitting, and plopped down next to him.

"So what are you going to name him, Bella?" Jasper asked.

"Hmm…Oh! I know! I'll name him Edward!"

Jasper doubled over in a fit of laughter.

"Oh no!" Edward started "That's where I draw the line. I am letting you keep this mongrel in my house, but you are NOT naming him Edward."

I just smiled coyly at him as he flared his nostrils, "First of all, this is not YOUR house…it's Esme's. And Second of all, I already named him when I found him, and I can't change it now…It would confuse him."

I looked over to Jasper, who looked like he was about to combust from his fits of laughter, "Yeah Edward, we wouldn't want to confuse little Edward."

Edward was about to retort when Carlisle and Esme walked through the front door. They had just gotten back from a weekend of hunting.

"What's that smell?" Carlisle asked, whilst sniffing the air.

"That would be Edward," Jasper chuckled.

"Edward dear, you really should take a shower, you smell to high heavens!" Esme remarked.

"It's not me!" Edward yelled, then he pointed to puppy Edward who was curled up on the hearth "It's that dirty little beast that Bella found."

"Oh my! That is the cutest little thing," Esme cooed.

"I know, right?" I replied.

"Did you give him a name dear?"

"Yeah…his name is Edward."

I smiled sheepishly, Esme covered her mouth, attempting to hide her giggles, and Carlisle snickered in the background.

Our laughter died down as Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett, came into the living room. They all had similar reactions as Carlisle and Esme.

"Dear Lord! What smells like dying animals?" Rosalie said, as she crinkled her nose in disgust.

"Edward!" Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and I answered in unison.

Vampy Edward stormed out of the room, while the rest of the Cullens and Hales fussed over puppy Edward.

**Ok, this was my first time writing a fanfiction, so I wanted to do something light and funny. I wasn't sure what to rate this, seeing as I really don't have an outline for this fic, so the rating is subject to change. Let me know if you want me to continue. **


	2. Dirty Dirty Dog

**Thanks to everyone who reviwed! You guys are great. And I must say I am pretty great too, updating twice in one day! Woot! Anyways, you may have noticed the rating has been changed to M. I did that to cover my butt, because there are inuendos in this chapter. No Lemons...yet lol. I am not sure if I will write one, I will have to see how everything plays out, but I will warn you if I do write one...and it won't be a vital part to the story so you could skip it. **

"I think Edward is cute and all, Bella, but he does smell REALLY bad" Alice said.

"Yeah, I know," I frowned "Hey! Do you want to help me give him a bath, Alice?"

"Sure, that actually sounds like fun…ooohh! Then we can blow dry him and do his hair…Oh! And we have to go to the mall, there is this new store that just opened and it has the cutest doggy clothes! I think they sell doggy nail polish there too! Oh Bella, this is going to be so much fun!" Alice gushed.

"Your parents must have deprived you of Barbies as a child, and now you feel the need to take it out on me and my dog."

"Silly Bella! Barbie wasn't in existence when I was growing up."

I sighed, there was no way I was going to win this argument now. I think that she took my sigh as a sign of defeat, because she plucked Edward up from the ground and ran him up to her bathroom at vampire speed. I walked up stairs and headed for her bedroom. Jasper was lounging on the couch, reading a book with an amused smirk on his face. He put his book down when I walked in,

"You know Bella, I'm glad Edward let you keep Edward, watching that little demon dog drive Edward crazy is better than TV."

"Yeah, it is isn't it?"

Jasper laughed and returned to his book. I headed to the bathroom attached to the bed room. Alice was already in there attempting to give Edward a bath, and it was quite a sight to behold. It was quite apparent that Edward was not fond of water. Every time Alice would put him in the tub, he would cry and try to claw his way up and out.

"It's ok Edward, it's just a little water, it's not gonna bite," Alice cooed.

"Yeah, but you might," I sniggered under my breath.

Alice turned around and glared, "Not funny. Your dog has successfully ruined my nails, and I am done, you clean the little brute!"

And with that, Alice turned on her heal and exited the bathroom, muttering to herself. I looked down at Edward who was covered in shampoo happily wagging his tale.

"Alright mister, time to rinse you off," I told him.

I picked him up and walked over to the bath, but the bath water was all brown and gross, not the best place to rinse him off. So I walked over to the shower, stuck him in the stall, turned on the water and closed the door before he could get out. I felt bad for keeping him in the shower like that, but I had to rinse him off, and it worked, so it was worth hearing his little puppy cries.

As soon as I opened the shower door, Edward ran out of the bathroom, shaking water off of him as he went. I grabbed a towel and went to follow him, but I stopped when I heard a high pitched shriek.

"No! NO! Bad Edward!" Alice yelled from the bedroom "BELLA! Your furry little hell raiser got dirty dog water all over the new rug!"

"Sorry Alice, I'll get him."

I hurried over to Edward, who was sitting on the rug scratching himself. I threw the towel over him picked him up, and bolted out of Alice's room before she had an aneurism. I walked over to Edward's room and set Edward down on the bed. He curled up into a little ball and began licking his paws. While little Edward was quietly entertaining himself, I took the time to asses my appearance. The front of my shirt was soaked, my hair was a mess, and there were sticky patches of soap all over my top and pants. I sighed and walked over to Edward's dresser. He had cleared out a couple of drawers for me, and Alice had supplied said drawers with new clothes. I pulled out a pair of blue jean shorts and a bright yellow cami. I redid my pony tail and looked in the mirror again.

"Wow, that's better," I said to myself "Alright, Edward, let's go down sta-"

I ran over to the bed where I had left Edward but he wasn't there. The Cullen mansion was huge, he could be anywhere, getting into all sorts of trouble. I ran out of big Edwards room, and started to call for him.

"Edward. Edward! Where are you Edward?"

Right then, vampire Edward was right by my side.

"What is it Bella? I'm here" he said franticly.

"No, not you, I wasn't looking for you, I was looking for the cute Edward," I teased.

"Are you saying I'm not cute Bella?" Edward feigned sadness.

"I guess I am…hmm…you can be sexy Edward if you want."

"I suppose that would be fitting," Edward purred as he nuzzled my neck.

All of the sudden, I felt Edward stiffen, "Wait…you said you were LOOKING for Edward? You lost him?!"

"No! No, I didn't lose him…I just _misplaced_ him."

I tried to keep Edward from going into panic mode, but I wasn't helping.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I told you this puppy was going to be a lot of work, he could be anywhere in the house by now! Distroying things. Oh, God, Esme is gunna murder me."

Edward's rant was cut off by Rosalie's high pitched scream. Edward and I exchanged worried glances and then took off to Rose and Emmett's room. The door was cracked open a bit, so we pushed it all the way open and saw something that would forever be burned in my memory…Rosalie and Emmett tangled in the bed sheets completely naked with Edward on top Emmett's licking his face. Emmett was chuckling and seemed amused by the whole situation…Rosalie on the other hand looked utterly pissed.

"This isn't funny Emmett!" Rose chastised.

"Aww, come on Rosie, Little Eddie was just curious, weren't you at that age?"

His remark was followed by a slap to the head.

"Isabella!" Rosalie yelled "Please, remove your dog from my husband's chest. And keep him out of our room."

"Yeah Bella," Emmett started "We are a pretty open minded couple when it comes to sex, but an orgy with your puppy would be pretty creepy."

Vampire Edward and I visibly shuddered at that thought. I walked over to the bed with my head turned to the side so I didn't accidentally see something that would further scar me for life. I awkwardly picked up Edward and help him as far from me as possible as I exited the room. Vampire Edward was hot on my heals as I continued down the hall.

"Where are you going, love?" He asked as we walked.

"To give him another bath."

**I based the whole bath sceen on what it is like to give my dog a bath. He hates water...and yes, I did lock my dog in the shower with the water on lol. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I had to get the shampoo off somehow! **


	3. Down with Emmett

**Alright, here is chapter 3**

Emmett's POV

The whole family, excluding Jasper and myself, was out of the house today doing there own things. Rose and Alice were shopping, Esme was running errands, and Carlisle was at the hospital. This left Jasper and I to watch Bella's puppy. I guess you could say that I was more than shocked that Bella left Edward in my care. I mean responsibility isn't really my forte.

I looked down at the puppy. He looked back at me expectantly. I thought back to the conversation I had with Bella about 15 minutes ago…

_"I trust you Emmett," Bella said._

_I looked at her skeptically, "I don't know Bella, I mean, what if I break him…or kill him?"_

_"Please Emmett, I really do have faith in you. Plus I really need to spend some alone time with Mr. Cranky Pants. I think he is becoming a bit jealous with all the time I have been spending with the puppy."_

_"Ugh, fine, I will watch the little guy, just don't blame me if you come home and he is missing any limbs or vital organs."_

_"Thank you so much Emmett! I owe you one!" she yelled as she ran out the door to meet Edward in the car._

I looked back at the puppy and decided it was time to call in the reinforcements.

"Jasper!" I yelled.

Jasper came running down the stairs and met me in the living room.

"What do you need Emmett?"

"Do you know to take care of a puppy?"

"Well…hmm…not really, but I have read some books with puppies in them. Let's see…puppies like the outdoors right?"

I nodded.

"Well let's open the door and let him run around the back yard."

"That's a great idea Jasper!"

I picked up little Edward and set him in the backyard. He began to run around immediately. I walked back inside and went to go tell Jasper that his idea worked.

"It worked Jasper. Thanks a lot man."

"No problem dude…hey you wanna go get your ass beat in Halo?"

"You are so on!"

**3 hours later**

"Wow Emmett, I don't think I have ever seen anyone suck so bad at this game before."

"Shut up asshole," I said as I threw my controller on the ground.

I looked at my watch, it was three o'clock, Bella and Edward should be home in about- WAIT EDWARD! SHIT!

"JASPER!"

"What the hell Emmett?! I am standing 10 feet away from you!"

"Shit, Jasper we are so screwed!" I said as I ran down stairs and into the backyard.

Jasper was hot on my heals. I quickly scanned the yard, there was no sign of Edward, Bella's gonna kill me.

"Crap Jasper, Edward's gone."

Jasper then proceeded to slap his forehead, "Aw man, I forgot, puppies also like to run away. How could I forget, I mean there's Homeward Bound, Shiloh, My Dog Skip, Air Bud, Benji-"

"Alright I get it, now call your wife and see if she can find out where he is."

Jasper sighed, pulled out his phone, and dialed Alice.

"You know she is going to be so pissed," Jasper said as it rang.

"Hey Baby," Alice answered.

"Hey darlin'," Jasper hummed, in his southern drawl.

I think he was trying to butter her up.

"Do you need something Jasper?" Alice asked sweetly.

"I love you." he blurted out.

"Jasper Whittlock, what the hell did you do?"

"What? Can't a man call his wife to tell her that he loves her?"

"No, he can't, now what did you do?"

"Well I didn't do anything, Emmett on the other hand lost Bella's puppy, and we were wondering if you could see if you can see where he is."

"God Jasper, you guys are such idiots, hold on."

The line was silent for a minute.

"Walk strait into the woods and run for about a mile and he should be somewhere around there."

"Thank you so much baby! I am forever in your debt."

"Yeah yeah, aren't you always. Alright now get your cute little butt in that woods and find him before Bella gets back."

"Ok dear, love you."

"I guess I like you too." Alice giggled and the line went dead.

"Alright man, let's go find a puppy," I said as we ran into the forest.

We followed Alice's directions, and sure enough, about a mile in we both could smell him. We stopped and looked around, and then we heard it, little puppy cries and yelps, that would break my heart…that is, if I was a girl. We walked a bit further, and then we saw little Edward. He was sitting next to a bramble bush, licking his paw, which he hung limp in front of his face.

"Oh shit Jasper, he's hurt!" I said as I ran over to him.

I scooped him up in my arms and looked at his paw. It was covered in his puppy blood and there was an assortment thorns embedded in it. I tried to pull one of them out, but he bit me.

"Ouch!" I yelped.

"What happened?" Jasper asked.

"He bit me."

"Emmett, you skin can repel bullets, a puppy can't hurt you-"

"Physically…but emotionally, that hurt."

Jasper rolled his eyes at me.

"I think he needs a doctor." Jasper said.

"Let's take him to Carlisle."

"But Carlisle is a people doctor, and he is at the hospital right now."

"So…we take him to the hospital, duh."

"Emmett, we can't take a bleeding puppy to the hospital."

"Not with that attitude we can't!"

And with that, I raced out of the woods, and headed for my Jeep. Jasper was not too far behind me. When we got to the car, I handed Edward to Jasper, and took off my shirt, so I could wrap Edward in it. We both got in my car and sped off towards the hospital.

Carlisle's POV

It had been a pretty slow day at the hospital, and for that I was grateful. There really wasn't anything to do, so me and Dr. Benson, my boss, were sitting in the main entrance talking. We were talking about the new x-ray machine that we were getting soon when we heard the sound of the automatic doors swoosh open. I stood up to see who was coming in, and I wish I hadn't. There in the entrance was a shirtless Emmett, and Jasper holding Bella's puppy, and from what I could smell, it was bleeding.

"DAD!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett, Jasper, what are you doing here? And where is your shirt?"

I tried to remain calm, but the whole situation was pretty embarrassing, and it didn't help that I could hear Dr. Benson tittering in the background. Emmett launched into an animated story, about how Edward ran away and had thorns stuck in him, and then something about Halo.

"Emmett, this is a PEOPLE hospital, and I am a PEOPLE doctor," I said slowly.

"I know Edward's not a people, but please fix him. Fix him! Fix him! Fix him!" Emmett chanted, as Jasper shoved the puppy in my face.

"Emmett! I cannot use hospital equipment on an animal, I would get fired."

Just then Dr. Benson came up behind me.

"You know Carlisle," he started "Normally I wouldn't do this, but since it's really slow, you can fix up that pup real quick."

"See! Your boss says it's ok! Please fix Edward."

"Edward? Don't you have a son named Edward?" Dr. Benson asked.

"Yeah, this is his girlfriend's puppy, and she thought it would be cute to name it after him," I explained.

"Wow, Carlisle, you have got quite the family," Dr. Benson chuckled, while patting me on the back.

"Yeah I do," I sighed "Come on boys, let's go fix him up."

As we walked down the hall, all the nurses visibly swooned over Emmett. When we got to the room, Jasper set Edward down on the table. I got a pair of tweezers out and began removing the thorns.

"Is he gonna be ok?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah he should be fine son, he will be sore, but it will heal in a few days."

I finished quickly and sent the boys on their way. I was cleaning up the exam room I had used when Dr. Benson came in.

"Is the pup ok?"

"Yeah, he will be fine."

"Well your kids sure know how to liven things up."

"You have no idea."

**This chapter was pretty fun to write. Emmett is pretty fun to mess with. I am not sure which of the Cullens Edward will torture next...maybe Esme :) Suggestions are very much appreciated.**

**Love Always,**

**Kat **


	4. Miss me already?

**Here is Chapter 4. It is short, I know. Here is why. I was at my friends graduation open house the other night, and most of the adults there were drunk. I was sitting on the floor with some of my friends and one of her drunk uncles stepped on my right hand. It really hurts to type, and I really need my hand to heal. Seeing as I am an Art major, and a damaged hand is really suckish. **

"Bella, No."

"Yes, Edward."

I was currently sitting on Edward's bed with puppy Edward in my lap. After the thorn bush incident, I was becoming more protective over him.

"That _thing _is not sleeping in my bed," Edward asserted.

"It's _our _bed, and I say he is. He's hurt Edward, I want him to be comfy."

"You are being absurd, he could have fleas or ticks from wandering around in the woods. I refuse to lay in bed all night with that vermin."

"Edward! You're being so mean, and if you are going to be like that you can just leave!" I yelled.

"Wait…are you kicking me out of MY room?"

Edward cocked his head to the side, looking completely confused and flustered, and I must say, it was a very sexy look for him. The way his brow furrowed, and that gorgeous chiseled jaw tightened…focus Bella! I mentally scolded myself.

"Yes Edward, I do believe I am. If you are not going to behave like a gentleman, than kindly take your leave," I said, attempting to use sophisticated speech, like he often does.

Edward's jaw dropped slightly, but he soon recovered. He reached his arm over to the other side of me, and flipped himself so that he was hovering over me, forcing me to lie back on the pillows. Puppy Edward scurried off my lap and to the end of the bed. Edward began placing light kisses along my jaw line. While he was doing this, he was gently rubbing his hand up and down my side, occasionally grazing the side of my breast. My breathing increased, and I knew what he was trying to do, and he wasn't going to get away with it. "Do you still want me to leave?" he whispered in my ear, and then began gently sucking on my lobe.

I wouldn't let him dazzle me. I couldn't let him win this one. I needed to show him that he can't just get his way every time by dazzling me into incoherency. So I decided to do something extremely evil. I reached up and pulled the side of his head down so my mouth was right by his ear. I felt him smile, and this gave me the boost I needed.

"ALICE!!"

Edward flew back, looking thoroughly discombobulated. Alice came running into the room, right up to the edge of the bed.

"You rang, Bella?" she asked sweetly.

"Yes, I did Alice. Would you please remove your brother?"

"I would be happy to!" she laughed.

With that, Alice grabbed Edward around the waist, through him over her shoulder, and skipped out of the room. The whole time, Edward was yelling a string of profanities at his sister.

I turned off the lights and curled up with my puppy. But something didn't feel right. I missed the cold embrace I usually fell asleep in. I hated myself for being so dependent, but it was torture. Edward was so close, yet so far away.

Then I did something, that I knew I (as well as Alice) would hate me for.

"Edward!"

Less than ten seconds later, my personal Adonis was standing at the door, with a smug look that would put Draco Malfoy to shame.

"Miss me already?"

**Again, I am sorry it's not longer, and that it is not my best chapter. Hopefully my hand will be better soon because I have an awesome idea for chapter 5. If you guys have any more Ideas then let me know! Next chapter will be Rosalies point of view, and there will be wolves! **

**Lots of love,**

**Kat**


	5. A case of mistaken identity

**Thanks for the reviews guys! My hand is feeling a lot better. So here is chapter 5, enjoy!**

**Rosalie's POV**

"God damn it Edward!" I yelled, as the little puppy trotted over the La Push Boarder line.

I was supposed to be picking up Bella, she was visiting the mutt today. Esme needed a break from, Edward. He was constantly running around destroying the house, so I brought him with me. I sighed in frustration. I expected to pick her up here at 3:00, and it was now 3:15. I decided to give her a call on her phone. The phone rang three times and then Edward answered.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey?" I answered back, confused.

"Uh…can I help you Rose?"

"Yeah, where the hell is Bella?"

"Oh! I am so sorry, I forgot to tell you that I came by earlier and picked her up. But thanks for going out there."

"Whatever Edward. See you at home."

God my brother was such an ass sometimes. I headed back to my car, but then I realized that little Edward was still in La Push. I walked back to the boarder. Edward was sniffing around about 50 feet from me.

"Edward!" I called.

The puppy turned around and looked at me.

"Edward! Come!"

Edward sat down.

"EDWARD! God damn it, get out of La Push!"

He got up and started slowly walking towards me. Once he was across the boarder, I picked him up and headed home.

**Jacob's POV**

I was in my wolf form, patrolling the boarder when I smelled a leech.

"Edward!" I heard her yell.

I couldn't see her, but I could tell from her voive it was Rosalie.

"Edward! Come!" she yelled again.

Why the hell is she yelling? I thought.

"EDWARD! God damn it, get out of La Push!"

WHAT?! Edward was in La Push?! This was a direct violation of the treaty, and to be perfectly honest, I couldn't be happier. Finally, a reason to kick his vampire ass. I ran off to tell Sam what I had heard, when I got a better idea. It would take too long if I went through Sam. He would have to assemble the whole pack and we would have to have a long boring meeting before we even saw any action. I would go face Cullen myself. One on One. I mean, if I wanted, I could be the Alpha.

I began to run through the woods towards the Cullen's, grabbing my shorts I had stashed behind a tree, along the way. My adrenalin was pumping as I ran. I was ready to fight. Soon the magnificent white house came into view. I phased out of my wolf form and put on my shorts.

I walked into the yard and yelled, "Edward!"

Immediately the entire Cullen family was on the porch, with confusion and anger written across their faces.

"What are you doing here, mongrel?" Edward asked.

"You should know," I spat back.

"What are you talking about, Jacob?" Carlisle intervened.

"Your _son, _crossed the La Push boarder line."

"I did no such thing!" Edward defended.

I expected him to deny it, "Man up Edward and tell the truth, you crossed the line, I heard you."

"Jesus Christ Jacob, are you on crack or something?" Bella spoke up, "After Edward picked me up, we spent the whole time together."

"You would defend him," I stated, Edward growled "I heard the whole thing…Edward crossed the boarder and then his sister, started yelling at him. In fact I remember her exact words 'EDWARD! God damn it, get out of La Push!'."

After I said that, Rosalie started cracking up. I have never seen anyone laugh so hard.

"What's so funny?" I asked, frustrated, that she was laughing about the broken treaty.

She stopped laughing and looked at me, then busted into to another fit of giggles. Her laughter was really starting to piss me off. Before I knew it, I began shaking, and exploded into my wolf form. All of the Cullens crouched, and got into a defensive position. This was not good. There was no way I could take on 7 vampires. I focused to calm myself down and phased back. The Cullens came out of their fighting stance and looked at me with wide eyes…oh! Right, I was naked. I blushed a blush that could rival Bella on a good day. I quickly regained composure.

"So…what was so funny?" I asked.

Rosalie snickered, "I'm not really sure what is anymore, the fact that your standing here naked, or that you came all this way to inform us that a puppy crossed the boarder line."

"What do you mean puppy?" I said through clenched teeth.

"Bella's puppy…coincidently named Edward. I brought him with me to pick her up, and he ran across your boarder, so I stood on the edge calling him back," Rose explained, trying to contain her laughter the whole time.

It would be an understatement to say that I was embarrassed…I was completely mortified. All the Cullens, including Bella, stood there trying to muffle their sniggering…except for Emmett, who was full out laughing at me.

"Well," I cleared my throat, "Now that we have that cleared up, I am going to uh, go. Bella, I will talk to you later."

With that said, I phased and took off towards La Push, leaving my pride and dignity, on the front porch of the Cullen's. Sam was going to kill me.

**Hope you liked it. This story will be ending pretty soon :( It was never going to be an epic story anyways, but I thought I should warn you. I really enjoy hearing from you. Please feel free to leave any ideas you might have for this story. **

**Hugs and Kisses,**

**Kat**


	6. It wasn't loaded

**This chapter took a little longer to write. I would like to thank I'M MRS.EDWARD CULLEN for inspiring this chapter! And thanks to all who reviewed, I love to here what you guys think.**

**Important note: Before you read this, for those of you who do not know, E.D. stands for Erectile Disfunction...lolz...wow I am immature. And Also Jessica's thought's are in itallics. **

**Bella's POV**

Alice had once again decided she would drag me out to the mall. We were all done with our shopping…thank God, and I was sitting in the food court eating and Alice was watching.

"So, is little Edward good in bed?" she asked "I mean he has been sleeping with you a lot."

"Yeah, he is good I guess," I sighed.

"What is it?"

"Well he constantly gets up and starts licking my face, and then there is the whining at obscene hours of the night."

"Oh I know," Alice started "What with his whining, and your screaming at him…"

"Oh shut up Alice, it's not like you and Jasper sleep anyways,"

"Whatever, anyway…even though he can be a little annoying, your glad you're keeping him, right?"

"Oh for sure. He's fine during the day, but I still can't get him to come."

"Well maybe I could help," Alice suggested "Have you tried using treats?"

"Yeah, that sometimes works, it just gets so frustrating."

"Maybe we should ask Carlisle to help, he is really calm and patient," Alice suggested.

"I don't know Alice, I don't want to bother him,"

"Oh you won't, he likes doing that kind of stuff," Alice insisted.

We continued to talk until we were interrupted by none other than Jessica Stanley.

**Jessica Stanley's POV**

I was sitting in the food court waiting for Mike to meet me here. We were going to go shopping and see a movie later. That's when I spotted Bella, wanna-be-Culllen. She and Alice were talking, so I decided to move a bit closer to see if I could here what they were saying.

"So, is little Edward good in bed?" Alice asked "I mean, he has been sleeping with you a lot."

_Wow, so little Bella finally lost it._

"Yeah, he's good I guess," Bella sighed.

_Wait, she guesses?! I wonder if Edward has ED or something._

"What is it?" Alice asked.

"Well he constantly gets up and starts licking my face, and then there is the whining at obscene hours of the night."

_What the fuck? God, Edward sounds like a dog._

"Oh I know," Alice started "What with his whining, and your screaming…"

_Hmm…I can picture Bella as a screamer, but Edward whining? What kind of sex were they having?_

"Oh shut up Alice, it's not like you and Jasper sleep anyways," Bella retorted.

_Wow, looks like Alice is having some trouble with Jasper…if they break up, I would so go after him._

"Whatever, anyway…even though he can be a little annoying, your glad you're keeping him, right?" Alice said.

_Hell, I would put up with annoying if I could bang Edward Cullen._

"Oh for sure. He is fine during the day, but I still can't get him to come."

_Oh. My. God. I cannot believe she just said that out loud?! I know I could make that boy come if I had the chance._

"Well maybe I could help," Alice suggested "Have you tried using treats?"

_EWW! A threesome...with his sister?! And treats?! What the fuck?_

"Yeah, that sometimes works, it just gets so frustrating."

"Maybe we should ask Carlisle to help, he is really calm and patient," Alice suggested.

_Holy shit! I thought a threesome with his sister was bad, but his father?! I mean I know Dr. Cullen is incredibly sexy, but I didn't know either of them swung that way. What is wrong with that family?_

"I don't know Alice, I don't want to bother him,"

"Oh you won't, he likes doing that kind of stuff," Alice insisted.

_Wait, Carlisle has done that before?! On who? Emmett, Jasper? Dear Lord!_

I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to walk over there and make my presence known.

"Hey Alice, hey Bella" I called.

"Hey Jessica, what's up?" Bella asked.

"Hmm, not much, just waiting for Mike. How are things with Edward?"

"Pretty good, just getting ready for the wedding, and college."

"That's cool…well I think I see Mike, so I am going to go. Bye!"

I ran over to Mike, who was on the other side of the food court.

"Oh my God, Mike you are not going to believe what I just heard!"

I retold him what I heard Alice and Bella talking about and his jaw dropped.

"I know, crazy right?"

"Yeah, it is," he replied.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she became Prego soon."

"Yeah that would suck."

"Hey!" I shouted, "were going to miss our movie!"

With that we ran over to the theater to buy our tickets.

**Edward's POV**

Bella and I were on our way over to Charlie's house. She had pretty moved in with me, but she still liked to come over and cook for Charlie. As soon as we walked through the door, Charlie was right in our faces, well more my face than Bella's, with his gun pointed at my chest.

"Dad!" Bella shrieked.

Charlie ignored her.

"You two! Sit!" he bellowed, pointing with his gun towards the couch.

We both walked down and sat.

He came over to me, and pointed his gun at me once more.

"You," he seethed "You impregnated my daughter!"

"What?!" Bella and I yelled in unison.

"You heard me, boy. You implanted your seed into my baby girl and got her preggers, or Prego, or whatever you kids call it these days."

"I did no such thing," I defended.

"Oh really?" he questioned "Then why did Mrs. Newton ask me if I was excited to be a grandpa? Huh? Explain that to me boy."

**Bella's POV**

I was sitting on my couch, while my lovely father had his gun pointed at my fiance, yelling at him for 'implanting his seed' in me. Just shoot me now. How would Mrs. Newton even know if I was pregnant? Then it hit me…Jessica. But wait, where would she get that idea? The last time I saw her was at the mall, when Alice and I were talking about my puppy…then it hit me…again. I quickly replayed the conversation in my head. Oh.My.God.

"Oh. My. God." I said.

Both men stopped talking and looked at me.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no!" I cried, covering my face with my hands.

"Bella love, what is it?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, Bells, what's the matter?" Charlie asked, his anger disapating.

I sighed and got ready to explain.

"Ok, so Alice and I were at the mall. We were eating at the food court when we were talking about my puppy…but during our conversation we refered to him by his name…Edward."

"So? What's the problem?" Charlie asked.

"Well, we were talking about puppy Edward sleeping with me at night, and I think that Jessica Stanley over heard the conversation, and thought that we were talking about vam-, human Edward…and well, looking back on the conversation the whole thing could have been warped into something…well…uh…sexual. She probably thought Edward and I were having sex…which we aren't, thus concluding to the me being pregnant thing."

Charlie lowered his gun, and plopped down in his chair. There was a long awkward silence.

"I guess I owe you an apology," Charlie admitted.

"Well, dad, I think you owe Edward one, I mean you didn't threaten me with a gun."

"It wasn't loaded."

**Now, click on that periwinkle button and send me some love!...or hate...or indifference :) AGAIN! Let me know if you have any ideas, I already know the ending of my story, but I still want to write a couple more chapters. ALSO, check out my one shot I lust you so much it hurts. If you like this story you might like that...or if you like Alice and Jasper, you definatly like it :) Toodles!**

**Hot and steamy love, **

**Kat**


	7. Pots and Kettles

**Carlisle's POV**

I walked into the house after a long day at work, carrying 4 large garbage bags. Upon entering the front door I was greeted by Emmett and Jasper, who were currently playing on the Wii.

"Hey Carlisle, aren't you supposed to take the garbage out of the house," Jasper smirked.

Smart ass.

"What's in the bags?" Emmett asked, his eyes wide with curiosity.

I sighed and opened one of the bags and dumped it's contents on the floor.

"Puppies!" Emmett yelled, as he picked up a handful of stuffed puppies and through them into the air, like some kind of plushy puppy confetti.

"Oh Carlisle you shouldn't have!" Emmett gushed "Hey Rosie! Come down and see what Carlisle got me! Hmm…I think I will name this one Jasper, ooh, and this one looks like a Carlisle-"

"Emmett I did not get these for you. When I came into my office this morning, the room was filled with them along with this banner."

I pulled out the folded banner from another one of the bags and Jasper read it out loud.

" 'Carlisle Cullen, Forks General's finest vet!'."

The boys were doubled over in laughter and soon the rest of the family was in the living room to see what all the commotion was about.

"Carlisle! I just cleaned up the living room," Esme scolded.

"Yes dear, I had a great day at work, I love you too," I replied, exasperated.

"Oh I'm sorry darling," she said, as she came over and started rubbing my shoulders "What happened?"

I retold the story, and my lovely family was having a great laugh at my expense.

I walked over and plopped down on the couch, rubbing my temples, trying to erase the memory of today from my mind. I was brought out of my peaceful meditating by none other than Emmett.

"Come here Rose, help me get these puppies up to our room," Emmett boomed.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, you are not keep all of those puppies," Rosalie chastised.

"Aww come on Rosie, I already gave 'em names and everything."

"No Emmett, It is me or the dogs, you choose."

"Well the dogs are cute and fluffy, and they wouldn't hog up so much of the closet, and smack me on the head…but I can't have sex with them, so I guess I choose you," Emmett said "Oh, and the puppies also don't have the rack that you do, so defiantly you."

"Wow, Emmett, where did you learn how to charm a lady like that?" Jasper asked, as Rosalie stalked upstairs muttering about no sex for a week. Emmett was hot on her heals, trying to sweet talk her. Out of all the Cullen couples, Rose and Emmett always provided the most entertainment.

"So what are you going to do with all the dogs?" Edward asked.

"Hmm, I don't know son."

I really hadn't thought about that, what _was _I going to do with all of these dogs?

"Oh Bella, that's a great idea!" Alice squealed.

I looked over to Bella, who was blushing.

"What did you have in mind Bella?" I asked.

"Well, uh, I was thinking we could take the puppies back to the hospital and give them to the sick children."

"That's a wonderful idea, dear!" Esme cooed.

"Yeah, that is, and I think Emmett and Jasper should help pass them out, seeing as they made me the laughing stock of the hospital."

Now that everything had been settled, I sat further back into the couch and closed my eyes. I opened them back up and saw that everyone but Esme had left the room. She came over, sat on my lap, and started to loosen my tie.

"I sorry you had such a hard day," she said, as she ran her hands up and down my chest.

" 'S not your fault dear," I sighed.

Then, I reached my arm around the back of her neck and pulled her into a kiss. Once I tasted the sweetness of her lips, I was quick to deepen it, forcing my tongue into her mouth. As our tongues danced together, my hands began to wander. I ran them up her side to her exquisite breasts. As I fondled them, I felt her moan in my mouth and lean into to me. I was just moving down to kiss her neck, when we were interrupted, by none other then Emmett and Rosalie.

"Sheesh! Get a room you too!" Emmett yelled.

"Yeah, isn't it ghastly how some people just go at it in the middle of an open room," Rosalie remarked, as she and Emmett made their way to the garage.

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"

**I had a lot of fun writting this chapter. Emmett is too much fun. I am thinking that after I end this story I will write a new one about Emmett, but I am not sure what it will be about, so pm me if you have any ideas you would like to inspire me with :) Please review! Reviews make me update faster. Oh and check out my new agnsty story Truths and Roses. **

**Bunches of love, **

**Kat**


	8. IMPORTANT

**Ok, first off I am so so so sorry to be doing this to you guys because all of my readers have been awesome. I have gotten so many reviews and everything and I want you to know that I do apreatiate them very much!**

**But...**

**I will no longer be able to update on a regular schedule. My Aunt is very sick right now and is probably going to die with in forty eight hours. Blood vessles in her brain keep bursting and the doctors cannot do anything to stop it. Also on top of that, I am moving away to start my first year of college in less than a week so I have been super busy. **

**I know that you guys love my stories and I love writing them, but it may be a while before I update. I will try my hardest though. **

**Also I have half of chapter 8 written for Truths and Roses, so I will try to get that one up with in the week. Thank you so much for bearing with me. **

**Your very stressed out writter,**

**Kat**


	9. Rosalie vs Rosalie?

**Wow, an update! I got inspiration for this chapter so I wrote it. :) I hope you like!**

**Esme's POV**

I was sitting in the living room with Alice, Bella, and Edward. Alice was painting my nails and Bella was drying hers and Edward was flipping through the TV channels. It was a peaceful afternoon but that peace was short lived as Emmett burst through the front door with a large box.

"I'll probably be sorry I asked, but…Emmett, what is in the boxes?" I asked.

Emmett grinned toothily at me.

"Rosalie, " he replied.

We all looked at him, puzzled.

"Please elaborate," Edward said, switching off the TV.

"Well," Emmett started "I think that it is unfair that Bella is the only one in this house that gets to have a pet, I mean I want one too…"

"Oh Emmett you didn't" I cried, putting my face in my hands.

"Oh, but I did!"

And with that Emmett opened the box and pulled out a black and white skunk.

"Everyone, this is Rosalie!" he announced, holding the skunk above his head, like it was the lion king.

Bella, spit out the water she had been drinking and Alice had knocked the nail polish over. My children were in hysterics but all I could think about was the damage two animals were going to do to my house.

"Emmett, where in God's name did you get that thing?" I asked.

"In the woods."

"Emmett, I don't think Rose is going to be very happy about this," Alice said.

"Happy about wha- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Rose shrieked, as she came down the stairs and caught sight of the skunk.

"It's a skunk, baby," Emmett replied.

"Well I can see that, but what the hell is it doing here?"

"It's my new pet," Emmett beamed.

Rosalie looked disgusted.

"Yeah Rose," Edward began "and you'll never guess what her name is."

Rose turned towards Emmett expectantly.

"Rosalie, meet Rosalie," he said, thrusting the skunk at Rose.

Rose's face was a mixture or shock, disgust, anger, and more disgust.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen! You named a skunk after me?!"

"Yup," Emmett responded.

"A skunk? A fucking skunk?! Of all the animals on this planet, you pick a skunk! Is that what I remind you of, Emmett, a smelly dirty rodent!?"

"Aw, come on Rosie, don't think of it like that, skunks are cute, sweet and good natured…hmm that's not like you at all, maybe I should have gone with the gilla monster instead," Emmett mused.

Wow, that boy could really dig himself into a hole. Rosalie stormed up the stairs in her normal fashion, and I heard her bedroom door slam and crack in two behind her. The only downside to having vampire children…things always got broken. I looked over at Emmett, with my eyebrows raised.

"Oh, don't worry Esme," Emmett started, interpreting my look for distress "I got you something too."

And with that, he pulled a furry little hamster out of the box.

"Look Esme, this is Carlisle!" Emmett exclaimed as he shoved the hamster at me.

"And here is Jasper," Emmett went on as he pulled out a goldfish in a baggie.

He handed the fish to Alice.

"Wow, thanks Emmett?" Alice said "I really did not see this coming."

**Short, I know. But check out my story Truths and Roses. **

**ALSO!! I have a poll up on what I should write next, so please go and vote!**

Lurve,

Kat


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